Who I Am

Last night I felt our baby kick for the first time. There are so many uncertainties and worries that accompany a new baby but feeling baby kick for the first time was indescribable. Now we just need to figure out if it's a boy kick or a girl kick!!!! ;)

I'm not real big on technology gadgets. I don't have to have the newest TV, blu-ray player or iPod, iPad, etc. When I get a cell phone, I always get the one that is free because as long as it makes calls and receives texts, I'm pretty good with that. However, today, I left that free, piece of junk phone sitting on my dresser and I feel completely naked without it. Weird how dependent we become on such stupid little devices.

It's been 3 days since I've had an energy drink of any kind. At this point my head feels like a tiny demon has crawled in my head and is using my brain for a punching bag. I'm sure that the headaches will go away with time (10-20 years) and the shakes...oh good grief the shakes!!! So this is what detoxing feels like!!! Do you know how much caffeine is in an energy drink??? About 200-250mg per can. I drank on average 2 cans a day. That's 400-500mg of caffeine a day. The average glass of tea has 5-10mg of caffeine in it. Folks, I was intaking A LOT of caffeine. On top of that, I drank tea in between my extreme caffeine hits...plus, I take a pre-workout supplement that has about 150mg of caffeine in it. So, on an average day, I drank somewhere around 650mg of caffeine. An article I was recently reading said the safe daily intake of caffeine is around 200mg per day. Yeah, I was intaking 3.5 times the safe daily amount a day. So now I sit, with a pounding headache, shaky hands and no energy, but this is supposed to be better for me??? I went from being a normal (no comments!), highly energetic person (with a somewhat elevated heart rate), to a complete basket case. The caffeine, its all I can think about, it's "my precious!" If statistics are correct, I only have 18 more days of this to make it a habit. 18 days, eternity...tomatoe, tomato. I feel a Hulk like fit of rage coming on and I'm pretty sure I can see a green tint starting in my hands. Word to the wise, stay clear for the next eternity, aka 18 days.

Today we go to the Dr. for the first time. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I forgot all the ins and outs of having a baby and I'm hoping when the Dr. takes a look, that's all he finds is, A BABY!!!! :) Please note the emphasis on "A" as in singular!!! Other than that, I'm excited to see the little squirt for the first time, hear the sweet sound of a steady, healthy heartbeat and find out a due date! I told Pam this morning, "This makes it seem more real, more official!" She looked at me very sarcastically and said, "It has seemed very real to me for quite some time now!" HAHAHAHAHA ....for real though, now I have to go buy her an I'm sorry present so quit laughing!

Well, after quite the break, I suppose I will use this blog again for some personal therapy. So much has happened in my life since my last entry. Most of it I won't get into. A lot of it, I'd just as soon forget but all of it has helped make me who I am today. However, I will talk about one event. Lately, I had been praying God would show me his will and that when he did, I would be obedient and follow. I prayed that he would lead my family into whatever direction he best seen fit because I felt I was at a stand still. It's been one of those prayers that you better mean what you're praying, because more than likely, God is going to move you. Well, on December 4th, God moved me. I am a creature of habit. I like things to stay the same, even if they aren't the greatest, with time they become comfortable. Undoubtedly, God was tired of seeing me in that place because on that Sunday, the 4th day in December, I found out my beautiful wife was pregnant with our 3rd baby. I wasn't sure how to react. We had talked about another baby, but no plans were made and it usually just seemed to be a fleeting idea. All I kept telling myself in my head was "Just Breathe." I think I reacted pretty well, if I do say so myself. Initially the news was followed by excitement, then worry mixed with excitement, then a little apprehension which has now moved into all out fear. Fear of what? Remember the part about me not liking change???? Well, this change has rocked me down to my core. I feel so blessed to be able to bring another life into this world, with the love of my life, but there are so many uncertainties that I'm just having a hard time coping. I keep reminding myself, "Just Breathe." I have to remember, I asked God for his will and if he brought me to this place, he will also bring me through this place. He has always been faithful to provide and I believe he always will. A verse keeps running through my head which turns my fear of my new child into excitement. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God has never lied, so I'm trusting in this, I'm leaning on my God and remembering to "just breathe." No matter how much I like to think I am, I'm not in control and just between you and me, I never really was in the first place. :)

I have nothing to blog. My mind is in so many places I can't focus it to write. Perhaps one day I will start blogging again and then again maybe not. Life is got me going in circles and I just need to focus on that right now. I know you'll understand. :)