Who I Am

Last night I felt our baby kick for the first time. There are so many uncertainties and worries that accompany a new baby but feeling baby kick for the first time was indescribable. Now we just need to figure out if it's a boy kick or a girl kick!!!! ;)

I'm not real big on technology gadgets. I don't have to have the newest TV, blu-ray player or iPod, iPad, etc. When I get a cell phone, I always get the one that is free because as long as it makes calls and receives texts, I'm pretty good with that. However, today, I left that free, piece of junk phone sitting on my dresser and I feel completely naked without it. Weird how dependent we become on such stupid little devices.

It's been 3 days since I've had an energy drink of any kind. At this point my head feels like a tiny demon has crawled in my head and is using my brain for a punching bag. I'm sure that the headaches will go away with time (10-20 years) and the shakes...oh good grief the shakes!!! So this is what detoxing feels like!!! Do you know how much caffeine is in an energy drink??? About 200-250mg per can. I drank on average 2 cans a day. That's 400-500mg of caffeine a day. The average glass of tea has 5-10mg of caffeine in it. Folks, I was intaking A LOT of caffeine. On top of that, I drank tea in between my extreme caffeine hits...plus, I take a pre-workout supplement that has about 150mg of caffeine in it. So, on an average day, I drank somewhere around 650mg of caffeine. An article I was recently reading said the safe daily intake of caffeine is around 200mg per day. Yeah, I was intaking 3.5 times the safe daily amount a day. So now I sit, with a pounding headache, shaky hands and no energy, but this is supposed to be better for me??? I went from being a normal (no comments!), highly energetic person (with a somewhat elevated heart rate), to a complete basket case. The caffeine, its all I can think about, it's "my precious!" If statistics are correct, I only have 18 more days of this to make it a habit. 18 days, eternity...tomatoe, tomato. I feel a Hulk like fit of rage coming on and I'm pretty sure I can see a green tint starting in my hands. Word to the wise, stay clear for the next eternity, aka 18 days.

Today we go to the Dr. for the first time. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I forgot all the ins and outs of having a baby and I'm hoping when the Dr. takes a look, that's all he finds is, A BABY!!!! :) Please note the emphasis on "A" as in singular!!! Other than that, I'm excited to see the little squirt for the first time, hear the sweet sound of a steady, healthy heartbeat and find out a due date! I told Pam this morning, "This makes it seem more real, more official!" She looked at me very sarcastically and said, "It has seemed very real to me for quite some time now!" HAHAHAHAHA ....for real though, now I have to go buy her an I'm sorry present so quit laughing!

Well, after quite the break, I suppose I will use this blog again for some personal therapy. So much has happened in my life since my last entry. Most of it I won't get into. A lot of it, I'd just as soon forget but all of it has helped make me who I am today. However, I will talk about one event. Lately, I had been praying God would show me his will and that when he did, I would be obedient and follow. I prayed that he would lead my family into whatever direction he best seen fit because I felt I was at a stand still. It's been one of those prayers that you better mean what you're praying, because more than likely, God is going to move you. Well, on December 4th, God moved me. I am a creature of habit. I like things to stay the same, even if they aren't the greatest, with time they become comfortable. Undoubtedly, God was tired of seeing me in that place because on that Sunday, the 4th day in December, I found out my beautiful wife was pregnant with our 3rd baby. I wasn't sure how to react. We had talked about another baby, but no plans were made and it usually just seemed to be a fleeting idea. All I kept telling myself in my head was "Just Breathe." I think I reacted pretty well, if I do say so myself. Initially the news was followed by excitement, then worry mixed with excitement, then a little apprehension which has now moved into all out fear. Fear of what? Remember the part about me not liking change???? Well, this change has rocked me down to my core. I feel so blessed to be able to bring another life into this world, with the love of my life, but there are so many uncertainties that I'm just having a hard time coping. I keep reminding myself, "Just Breathe." I have to remember, I asked God for his will and if he brought me to this place, he will also bring me through this place. He has always been faithful to provide and I believe he always will. A verse keeps running through my head which turns my fear of my new child into excitement. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God has never lied, so I'm trusting in this, I'm leaning on my God and remembering to "just breathe." No matter how much I like to think I am, I'm not in control and just between you and me, I never really was in the first place. :)

I have nothing to blog. My mind is in so many places I can't focus it to write. Perhaps one day I will start blogging again and then again maybe not. Life is got me going in circles and I just need to focus on that right now. I know you'll understand. :)

I did it! I finally graduated. It was an awesome fun day, shared with family and friends. I don't know what God has in store for my future but I will trust that it will be great! After graduating I got to spend 3 days hunting with dad! That was some much needed rest and a lot of fun hanging with just me and him; it took me back a few years, when I was just a kid doing the same thing. The fun and excitement of hunting with dad hasn't changed one bit. So now it's off to the next journey. This destination has been reached. Thanks to all for your prayers and thoughts over the years. Thanks to my girls: Pam, MaKayla & Tamara, for standing by me and always being the support that you were. I could not have done it without you. I love you very much! I'm ready to start a new chapter but it can wait until after the first of the year. As for now I am going to enjoy my family and this wonderful holiday season. I hope you all will be able to do the same. I can't believe it's only 8 days until Christmas!!! I better quit typing and get to shopping. Stay safe and I hope to see you all soon. :)

I haven't really ever faced this. I haven't wanted to really. Yet lately it is at the front of my mind a lot. I know my dad was a mean person, for most of my life I was scared to death of the guy but it really bothers me how he left. When I think about him I only think of good times, I have a hard time conjuring up bad times, perhaps that has been my way of protecting myself; regardless the thoughts are there. I hadn't talked to him in around 5 years. I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. Was it nice? Was it mean? Does it even matter? Should I even be wasting my time thinking about this? I don't know. I do know that a part of my life is dead. Half of who I am genetically is gone forever. I am struggling with how to handle this situation. I have an awesome dad so I don't feel that loss, but I do feel a loss. A loss I can't explain and wasn't prepared to handle. I hurt for my younger siblings. Losing a dad is tough anytime but especially at that age. They are hurting and confused and he took all the answers with him. I guess that is what is so troubling, there are no answers. There are no truths, no lies, no anythings, just loss. I didn't need him in my life but there is part of me that wishes there was some kind of relationship there. It was just impossible to build one. He missed the opportunity to be a dad, grandparent and a friend. He missed hunting trips, special occasions and graduations. It was such a selfish act, not really unlike him, yet still unexpected. The fact that he was in such a dark and lonely place and felt there was no other way out is extremely disturbing. That must be such a horrible feeling, I really can't imagine. So that's it really, confusion, questions, loss and the inability to have answers for any of it. It's not fair but I guess that's life. Maybe he is getting exactly what he wanted, who knows? That's just another answer he took with when he decided to take his own life. I really don't know what I expected, that's just who he was. I just need closure. Maybe with time.

I heard this song the other day on the radio and it was like the words were taken right out of my head and put to a tune. Just thought I'd share.

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and
Why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

I am graduating on Saturday. I am excited, but I am not. This is a very odd feeling. I don't wanna be in school anymore but it has become my place of comfort and it is scary to move on. I hope that God opens up doors soon because I have no idea where to go from here. I am studying today for my last final. MY LAST FINAL!!! I am excited about that. I am so tired of taking tests and I'm especially tired of the stress of studying for and taking the tests. 5 days away...I can't believe it. After all this work, all this time, the end is 5 days away. Crazy! A chapter of our life is about to be closed, we did it and I couldn't be more proud.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.


Think about it ;)

Life is all about change. Nothing ever stays the same, not for one day, one hour, one minute or one second. Everything is always changing. You would think with all that change, we would be used to it by now. That we could except it as normal in our everyday lives, yet that is not the case. Change is hard. Sometimes it's good and sometimes not. As I near graduation, I'm staring change straight in the face. When Pam and I got married we decided she would go to school and get her degree and then I would follow suit. That was always the plan and we haven't deviated. Yet for so long I've had my nose to the grindstone, working hard to accomplish this goal and now that it is upon me, I don't know what to do next. "Graduation" for so long has been this far off and distant land that I was somehow trying to reach, never quite figuring out what I would do when I got there. Yet here I stand, about a month and a half from graduating and I feel lost. What is next? Where do I go? What will I teach? Do I even want to teach? Should I get my masters degree? Will we move? All these thoughts and more keep pouring through my head. I pray for God's guidance but in the end still feel no direction. I keep asking myself, "How do you know that you are not already on the right path and you just haven't reached the point to where God opens up that door?" Obviously I can't answer that, I can't answer any of the questions in my head. Yet with all this wondering in my head there are some things I'm sure of. I do know that I am proud of me. I'm proud that I have worked so hard to reach this goal. I'm proud that when I walk that stage in December I will do so Summa Cum Laude ("with highest praise") with a 4.0 GPA and a double major in Psychology and History. I'm proud of my wife who has stuck by me through all my anxiety and craziness during the past 5 1/2 years. I'm proud of my girls and their patience with their daddy and hope that what I have accomplished will somehow inspire them someday down the road. This has been a bittersweet journey. It is one I certainly will never forget and am grateful that I have had the opportunity to go through. I have changed, my family has changed and our lives have changed. Change is just part of life, all we can do is seek God and trust that he knows what is best and has the right path paved for us. The future is uncertain and that is one thing that will never change.

This morning I let our dog Rufio outside to go the bathroom. He is a happy go lucky dog that never barks at anything. However, this morning he saw something he didn't like and he barked his fool head off. I yelled at him, banged on the door, stomped my feet and did everything but throw a fit at that little barking dog. I was walking back through the den mad about all the noise he was making when Tamara calmly remarked, "Dad, I think he has finally found his inner dog." MaKayla and I busted out laughing, yet Tamara never blinked. She just said ,"Well it's true." I really don't know where she thinks these things up. Funny kid.

I've come to realize, that there is nothing lonelier than a quiet, empty house after a summer full of fun.

What a summer! This has been a very busy, crazy, fun summer. We camped at the lake for Father's day, went to Colorado for the 4th, saw the Rangers play later in July, visited Pam's dad, went to Dinosaur Valley State Park, Carlsbad Caverns and just came back from 4 relaxing days up in the Davis mountains. While I'm trying to figure out how to post more pics, here are just a couple of highlights from the past couple of weeks. I have a bunch to write about and pictures to post, I just have to learn how to use the slide show thingy on here. Can't believe summer is almost over. I guess the saying is true, time flies when you are having fun.

Tamara fearlessly jumping off the high dive at Balmorhea

MaKayla jumping off high dive for the first time

Watching the Rangers play the Red Sox.

Well I haven't written much this summer. It has been a very busy, hectic, relaxing, fun, life changing summer. We started off just hanging out around the house enjoying the time off. Then we geared up for 13 days in Colorado with our own camper (very fun!), then came back from Colorado and had to deal with the untimely death of my biological dad. After going through that ordeal we went to watch the Rangers play the Red Sox, the went to Dinosaur Valley State Park and then went to visit Pam's dad and play at Lake Waco. This week we just got back from going to Carlsbad Caverns and are leaving in the morning to go swim at Balmorrhea and then spend a couple of days at my uncle's cabin in Ft. Davis to just chill and recharge for the new school year. It really has been a lot of fun but very exhausting at the same time. To be honest I'm really ready to get back to a normal routine and to finish this last semester of my Bachelor's degree. However, with that said their are still 17 days of summer left and we're gonna party like rock stars during that time, haha. I'll post pics and tell stories of grand adventures when I have more time to write. Well, I gotta run, there's fun to have and stories to make.

In 10 hours from now this will all be over. My mind is restless tonight even though my body is exhausted. This has been a long, tiring, drawn out process. I'm sure at some point I will be able to look back and evaluate the situation and see the good that has come of this and lessons learned but for now I just want some kind of normality. I want to hang out with my wife, spend some time with my girls and basically just do nothing. Keep us in your prayers as we travel over the next few days and thanks to everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers through this whole mess. I love you all :)

Today I sat with my step mom and planned my biological father's funeral, it was very surreal. All night tonight I have been struggling in my mind praying for peace. I know there is peace now for my younger siblings and step-mom and I feel so much relief for that but I feel I've gone about as far as I can go without facing some of the things I have been avoiding. As I thought and prayed tonight this song came in my head and the words have given me peace. Maybe not ALL the peace I need but definetly the peace I need for now. Now its time to rest. :)

In and out of situations,
That tug-of-war at me
All day long I struggle
For answers that I need
But then I come into His presence,
All my questions become clear
And for a sacred moment,
No doubt can interfere

In the presence of Jehovah,
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended,
In the presence of The King

Through His love the Lord provided,
A place for us to rest
A place to find the answers,
In hours of distress
Now there is never any reason,
To give up in despair
Just look away and breathe His name,
He will come and meet you there

In the presence of Jehovah,
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended,
In the presence of The King

My whole life I have always been able to put my thoughts down into word by writing. Tonight I have sit and stared at a blank page unable to do so. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel and to be honest, right now I refuse to do either. I will deal with this someday, just not right now.

Well we are about to set off on our first big family trip in our new camper. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. I remember as a kid riding in the truck with Dad pulling the camper and the excitement I felt and I hope my girls are feeling the same thing. On the other hand I now have a better appreciation for what my Dad did pulling the trailer and setting it up and all that...it's a lot of work. We took a mini-trip for Father's Day to the lake to try and work out any kinks and find out what we might need for a longer trip. I think we have a pretty good handle on it but I'm pretty sure we'll need the Wal-mart somewhere along the way. Also, strangely enough, I feel old when I pull my trailer. It's like...I'm not young anymore, I have a camper and children (who are getting quite old I might add) and it just adds a new dimension to vacation, not bad just different and new. I wish you could all come with us on our grand adventure and we will be thinking of all of you. Keep us in your thoughts and prayer for safe traveling and fun times. I will post pictures when we get back. Until then Happy 4th of July!!!

P.S. Happy Birthday Aunt Lani!!!!!!!! I really wished we could be there for your 21st birthday party but we will be a little further away than usual. I hope you have a wonderful day and I hope all your birthday wishes come true. Love you!! :)