I'm Done!

I did it! I finally graduated. It was an awesome fun day, shared with family and friends. I don't know what God has in store for my future but I will trust that it will be great! After graduating I got to spend 3 days hunting with dad! That was some much needed rest and a lot of fun hanging with just me and him; it took me back a few years, when I was just a kid doing the same thing. The fun and excitement of hunting with dad hasn't changed one bit. So now it's off to the next journey. This destination has been reached. Thanks to all for your prayers and thoughts over the years. Thanks to my girls: Pam, MaKayla & Tamara, for standing by me and always being the support that you were. I could not have done it without you. I love you very much! I'm ready to start a new chapter but it can wait until after the first of the year. As for now I am going to enjoy my family and this wonderful holiday season. I hope you all will be able to do the same. I can't believe it's only 8 days until Christmas!!! I better quit typing and get to shopping. Stay safe and I hope to see you all soon. :)

Unanswered Questions

I haven't really ever faced this. I haven't wanted to really. Yet lately it is at the front of my mind a lot. I know my dad was a mean person, for most of my life I was scared to death of the guy but it really bothers me how he left. When I think about him I only think of good times, I have a hard time conjuring up bad times, perhaps that has been my way of protecting myself; regardless the thoughts are there. I hadn't talked to him in around 5 years. I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. Was it nice? Was it mean? Does it even matter? Should I even be wasting my time thinking about this? I don't know. I do know that a part of my life is dead. Half of who I am genetically is gone forever. I am struggling with how to handle this situation. I have an awesome dad so I don't feel that loss, but I do feel a loss. A loss I can't explain and wasn't prepared to handle. I hurt for my younger siblings. Losing a dad is tough anytime but especially at that age. They are hurting and confused and he took all the answers with him. I guess that is what is so troubling, there are no answers. There are no truths, no lies, no anythings, just loss. I didn't need him in my life but there is part of me that wishes there was some kind of relationship there. It was just impossible to build one. He missed the opportunity to be a dad, grandparent and a friend. He missed hunting trips, special occasions and graduations. It was such a selfish act, not really unlike him, yet still unexpected. The fact that he was in such a dark and lonely place and felt there was no other way out is extremely disturbing. That must be such a horrible feeling, I really can't imagine. So that's it really, confusion, questions, loss and the inability to have answers for any of it. It's not fair but I guess that's life. Maybe he is getting exactly what he wanted, who knows? That's just another answer he took with when he decided to take his own life. I really don't know what I expected, that's just who he was. I just need closure. Maybe with time.

I heard this song the other day on the radio and it was like the words were taken right out of my head and put to a tune. Just thought I'd share.

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and
Why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Unexcited Excitement

I am graduating on Saturday. I am excited, but I am not. This is a very odd feeling. I don't wanna be in school anymore but it has become my place of comfort and it is scary to move on. I hope that God opens up doors soon because I have no idea where to go from here. I am studying today for my last final. MY LAST FINAL!!! I am excited about that. I am so tired of taking tests and I'm especially tired of the stress of studying for and taking the tests. 5 days away...I can't believe it. After all this work, all this time, the end is 5 days away. Crazy! A chapter of our life is about to be closed, we did it and I couldn't be more proud.

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