Unanswered Questions

I haven't really ever faced this. I haven't wanted to really. Yet lately it is at the front of my mind a lot. I know my dad was a mean person, for most of my life I was scared to death of the guy but it really bothers me how he left. When I think about him I only think of good times, I have a hard time conjuring up bad times, perhaps that has been my way of protecting myself; regardless the thoughts are there. I hadn't talked to him in around 5 years. I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. Was it nice? Was it mean? Does it even matter? Should I even be wasting my time thinking about this? I don't know. I do know that a part of my life is dead. Half of who I am genetically is gone forever. I am struggling with how to handle this situation. I have an awesome dad so I don't feel that loss, but I do feel a loss. A loss I can't explain and wasn't prepared to handle. I hurt for my younger siblings. Losing a dad is tough anytime but especially at that age. They are hurting and confused and he took all the answers with him. I guess that is what is so troubling, there are no answers. There are no truths, no lies, no anythings, just loss. I didn't need him in my life but there is part of me that wishes there was some kind of relationship there. It was just impossible to build one. He missed the opportunity to be a dad, grandparent and a friend. He missed hunting trips, special occasions and graduations. It was such a selfish act, not really unlike him, yet still unexpected. The fact that he was in such a dark and lonely place and felt there was no other way out is extremely disturbing. That must be such a horrible feeling, I really can't imagine. So that's it really, confusion, questions, loss and the inability to have answers for any of it. It's not fair but I guess that's life. Maybe he is getting exactly what he wanted, who knows? That's just another answer he took with when he decided to take his own life. I really don't know what I expected, that's just who he was. I just need closure. Maybe with time.

I heard this song the other day on the radio and it was like the words were taken right out of my head and put to a tune. Just thought I'd share.

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and
Why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song


    I hope it helps to write about your feelings. I know your words really convey your pain. Writing is such a great way to find peace. Thank you for sharing.

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