Who I Am

Thanks for your prayers :)

Sometimes it is best to say positive things and think positive things over and over until those positive actions take over the bad and depressed thoughts and feelings you may experience. Then sometimes its best just to be completely honest and ask for help from others around you. Today I'm in that place. If you are reading this I need your prayers. I need you to lift me up before God because right now I really don't feel like it, just to be brutally honest. I try to focus on the good things in my life (which are many), I try to think on positive things God has revealed to me, yet I find myself and have found myself for a long time in a constant state of worry and depression. I am not happy, I am irritable, I am confused, I am anything but probably what I should be. Most of all though I am tired. I am tired of feeling this way, tired of not knowing, tired of going nowhere, I'm tired of all the faces that I have to wear to get through a day/week/month. Somehow, somewhere I feel like I've lost me. I've lost who I really am. I know God is here but right now I just can't seem to find him. What have I become? Where is my joy and direction?? My heart hurts so much right now, my mind is tired and its all I can do to hold back the tears. I feel broken and I don't know where to go from here. This is not a happy funny blog I know, but it is real. It is who I am right now. I've tried so hard to get through this on my own, now I need the prayers of others. I've been reading the story of Job and although not to the same extreme I feel like I'm in somewhat of the same place. I don't blame God for the state I'm in I just want out. I know sometimes you have to be broken to be made new but I'm tired and I want peace and rest. I'm sorry for dumping on my blog like this but my insides feel like they are about to explode and I just need to get all of this off my chest. But other than all that, things are super :)

My babies started school again today. I hate first days. First days mean that they are getting older, first days mean one grade closer to graduation, first days mean another year closer until they will be on their own and I won't have anymore first days with them. Yesterday they were babies today they are 1st and 3rd graders, tommorrow freshmen in college. Yep, its official first days really suck!

I love my wife's peaches....



that she puts in homeade peach cobbler!
(You nasty minded people!!)

Lately my girls have been on a wrestling and boxing kick. Perhaps we have been watching too much UFC but at least they are learning how to defend themselves. Anyway, the other night we were wrestling/boxing and they are tag team whooping on me. I finally get MaKayla off of me for minute so that I could box Tamara who now was wearing a pair of boxing gloves. So there I am on my knees, doing my best to show some fancy footwork (on my knees), boxing my tough little six year old. MaKayla has now moved from fighter to referee. So the fight began. It was more of a boxing/mma fight. There was kicking, head locks, submission moves, sucker punches, you name it we had it. Deep in the 2nd round, I purposely dropped my guard to let Tamara get a punch in. She must have been anticipating this move because as I dropped my guard a devastating right hook came flying in out of nowhere catching me right on the nose and tearing up both my eyes. I think she saw the stunned look on my face because like any great fighter does after catching the other fighter, she came in for the kill. She was throwing haymaker after haymaker and I was crouched over laughing, trying to get the blurry out of my eyes from the shot on my nose. At this point I am in a tucked position and she is on my back pounding away at the back of my head. I couldn't quit laughing at her intensity which I think in turn made her mad and more intense. Finally, after being pummeled for several minutes, the so called referee stepped in and stopped the fight proclaiming Tamara the winner. Although, I was still laying there laughing when it was all said and done, meanwhile, Tamara was dancing around like a prize fighter proclaiming her victory. Make no mistake, there will be a rematch and I will be ready for that crazy 40lb. six year old in our next fight. I've upped my workouts and training to six days a week, I listen to "Eye of the Tiger" every morning and have begin training in the ancient art of whoop-my-chai. I'm determined and focused and the next time I meet that little maniac in the ring I will beat her like the circus monkey she is. We will be selling the fight for $49.95 on pay-per-view if any of you are wanting to watch the most electrifying fight in history take place. We accept cash, money order or check made out to the Lewis Children College Fund. Don't miss out on your opportunity to watch history!

In the last month, I have been asked two different questions that I really had never thought of and wasn't quite sure what the answer was. About a month ago Pam and I drove to Ft. Worth to pick up our new Expedition. (Well its a 2005 but its new to us) Anyway, while sitting in the salesman's office he stopped from his paper work, looked up at me and asked, "So what's your dream?" I just sat there and starred at him. I didn't know what to say, I came to buy a vehicle not dive into my life. Finally, I gave him some generic answer but it wasn't the truth because I didn't know what the real answer was. What is my dream?? I have been pondering this for the last month and have not yet been able to come up with an answer. Then I was chatting with my uncle a couple of days ago and we were talking about my need for perfection and the direction I was going in life. He then asked me, "What is your definition of failure?" Why do people keep asking me me such intense questions?? I honestly had never sat down and tried to define failure. I have always been afraid to "fail" my entire life. So anyway I sat there for a minute thinking of what I feel like failure is and I said, "Failure is not reaching your goal." Feeling like that was a pretty descent answer. He then said to me, "part of your problem is in your definition of failure. If you base success on your entire life, then the only way you can fail is simply to not try. Therefore failure is defined as not trying." It was one of those ah ha! moments or the light bulb above the head moments. I was looking at failure wrong and I also have been failing. I have been afraid to try many different things because I felt like if I was good at them then I would be responsible for those actions. Like Peter Parker's uncle told him in the movie Spiderman, "With success comes responsibility." I've been so afraid to dream because I'm afraid of what may come in those pursuits. So by failing to dream I have also been failing to act or try which in the scheme of life is failure. This may not make since to you who are reading this but in the last 48 hours that I have been pondering it, it has re energized and excited me. I am not a failure and I plan to call that salesman back in the near future and tell him what my dream is. It is amazing how God reveals himself sometimes in simple conversations if you are seeking him for answers. I will succeed and with God's help greatness will come from that success.

Today Pam had to start back to school, she has some workshops she has to attend. So I am home alone with the girls and we are all just a little bummed! We've been married almost 9 years and have been together over 10 and I still never get tired of spending all day with her. This has been a wonderful summer and I'm sure we will have a wonderful fall and winter as well but I just wish I could have a few more days of just me and her in this summer. There just never seems to be enough time, I guess I will just have to spend the rest of my life trying to catch up for the first 18 years that I didn't have her in my life. :)

One Word…
1. Where is your cell phone? Counter
2. Your significant other? Pam
3. Your hair? short
4. Your Skin? tan
5. Your mother? Indescribable
6. Your Favorite Thing? Love
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? DietCoke :)
9. Your dream/goal? Succeed
10. The room you’re in? MaKayla's
11. Your ex? painful
12. Your fear? Losing
13. where do you want to be in six years? Somewhere
14. Where were you last night? mother-in-law's
15. What you’re not? sure
16. Muffins? zuccini
17. One of your wish list items? Rich
18. Where you grew up? Odessa
19. The last thing you did? Workout
20. What are you wearing? shorts
21. Your TV? Off
22. Your pet(s)? weird
23. Your computer? silver
24. Your life? enjoyable
25. Your mood? anxious
26. Missing someone? Chad
27. Your car? Charcoal
29. Favorite Store? BassProShop
30. Your summer? refreshing
31. Like someone? Yes
32. Your favorite color? Red
33. When is the last time you laughed? whileago
34. Last time you cried? dunno
35. Who will/would re-post this? Amy
36. Whose Answers are you anxious to see? All

It has been an awesome summer no doubt. Fishing, hiking, golfing, playing but now oddly enough, I find myself ready to go back to school! I guess I'm just eager to get done with it but never in my academic life have I ever looked forward to going back to school. I think I will rush myself to the ER and let them check me over, I'm pretty sure that I have some sort of brain damage or some life threatening medical condition. Don't laugh or even crack a smile this is not funny and needs to be handled in a most serious manner. I'll update you further when I find out what could be causing this strange phenomenom.

How Lucky Am I???

It seems as though this summer has slowly sucked the life out of my blog! I have had such a wonderful summer and have had so much I could have written about, but it seemed as if the time just wasn't there. Everytime I stopped to write, my mind would go astray or I would hear, "Daddy come play!" Living life has almost killed my blog :) However, I do intend to pick back up here in the coming week or so. We just got back from a wonderful vacation to Sea World and Inks Lake and I'll include pictures of that and just update everyone on all the cool happenings. Lately my mind has been wondering back to when I was a kid and it has made me sad... no matter how much I think back I can never ever go back. I miss things from my childhood, I miss things from growing up. I love my life now but I loved my life then and what seemed like yesterday is now 20 years ago. I want to embrace life today more fully. Take in every moment I can with my wife, kids and myself because before I know it yesterday will be 40 years ago and so much will have changed. I hope all of you who read my blog are having a wonderful summer and I promise to begin writing again soon. Until then here is a couple of pics from my grand adventures!

Alex and I after a good day of fishing!

At Amy and Alex's Wedding

Hangin with my girls in Fun Valley

Family fun at Sea World



Wonderful time at Inks Lake